Roseanne Chic

MICHAEL FISHMAN, SARA GILBERT, ROSEANNE BARR, ALICIA GORANSON, JOHN GOODMAN, LAURIE METCALF

No show matched the style of Middle America in the 90’s better than Roseanne. When I watch the show today, I mostly cringe at the fashions and home decor, but honestly, some of that crap is pure beauty! Because Roseanne happens to be my favorite sitcom for all eternity, I would love to help bring some of that shlock into all of our homes (just go with me, alright?). So now, I offer you a modern take on Roseanne style.

Today’s post will focus on the kitchen. Oy vey, that kitchen! That’s a lot of soft peach and pink! Which, in fairness, are colors that are trying to make a comeback, as I have blogged about before. Admittedly, I’m not crazy about these pale pinks and washed-out peaches, but in the right setting they can work. Maybe at your beach house. Or at your home in The Hampton’s, which I know you have because most of my readers are Kardashians and Hiltons. Hi Khloe! Hi Paris! But, I don’t think they work in your Midwestern split level home.

ANYWAY, here’s how I think we bring the Roseanne Chic into the modern home– look at the back wall with the telephone and archway:

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Please try to ignore Aunt Jackie’s outfit, but isn’t that wall fabulous? There’s a lot going on there! This is how I would use some of its elements in my home:

roseannekitchen.jpgSo, first, that wallpaper is pretty gross. As a rule, I’m not a huge fan of graphic wallpaper in the kitchen. I think it dates the home and makes you look like an old lady/gay– and not the sexy Golden Girls kind. In today’s world, there are a ton of modern and more subtle wallpaper options that are totally acceptable in any part of your home. What I found as an upgrade for Roseanne’s kitchen is the Large Scrolling Leaf print from Graham and Brown. It’s clean and modern, and harkens back to the cornucopia or Thanksgiving-ish wallpaper on Roseanne and Dan’s wall (full disclosure– I cannot tell what exactly is on their wallpaper. Can you?). In any event, the neutral color allows you to get away with hanging lot’s of colorful print and tchotchkes on the wall, which Roseanne clearly likes to do!

To complete the look, I’ve picked out these Roseanne-esque items:

A.) Let’s get rid of those decorative wall plates, m’kay? I’m sure Roseanne had to buy a lot from the Buy N’ Bag to get the whole set, but they are a big fat no ma’am. Ew. Adults should not have dolphin wall art of any kind. Weirdos really are everywhere! So, as a non-weirdo alternative, how about these colorful and modern plates from Dot & Bo? They are bright and interesting, and will really modernize your space.

B.) I kind of love the copper heart hanging on the wall. Copper is soooo hot right now– I’d probably tell Roseanne to keep it up. But, as an alternative, you could put up this Marble and Copper Wall Clock, also from Dot & Bo. It combines the two design trends– copper and marble– and looks so sleek and chic against the beautifully textured wallpaper.

C.) Most modern homes don’t have telephones hanging on the wall anymore (not counting your grandma!), but organizational units are still very useful. The 4-Piece Tri-Board Set from CB2 is cool and fun. I’d mostly use it to hold Target coupons and winning scratch tickets (I’m too lazy to cash them in), but you can use them for whatever the hell you want! It’s all about liberty! And freedom! And Benjamin Netanyahu! Or something!

D.) As an ode to the finest diner in all of Landford, Illinois (The Lunchbox of course), I’ve picked out this fun lunchtime sandwich print. The retro vibe and cool colors keep the space light and charming. You can find a similar print from Dot & Bo or Etsy that’s more you, and really personalize your kitchen.

E and F.) The Bless this House cross stitch is a real tacky gem! More modern takes can be found all over Etsy. I found these two cross-stitch patterns from the Happinesst shop. Of course, I’m assuming Roseanne is being ironic here (Side-note: hipsters love Roseanne… Aunt Jackie was the first hipster, but that’s for another post). I really like the sassy cross-stitch patterns, especially if there’s cursing. Throw a couple up in your kitchen, and you’ll be as cool as a cucumber and as irreverent as… well, this blog!

Okay, so what do you think of my modern upgrade of Roseanne’s kitchen? Is it too classy? Not classy enough? Needs more dolphins, right?

Next week I’ll be tackling the Roseanne living room, so look for that! And may God have mercy on me!

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