Since I’ve managed to keep Ms. Nola alive for 8 months, I’ve reluctantly concluded that plant life might also survive in this Shawshank we call a home. It’s a brave decision, though, because unless those plants learn to paw at me or nudge my legs, they may not make it…

But I’mma try! And maybe Ms. Nola can teach them a thing or two (though I doubt she’s going to be happy with another living thing in our home– NO NEW PEOPLE!)?


I’m still planning a sexy adorable succulent garden, but for now I’ve decided to go with pink ranunculus, baby jade, and a polka dot plant (yes, those are the names of plants and not hookers).

First off, let me just warn everyone that dirt is very dirty. Did you know this? Was this information you had retained at some point in your life? Perhaps in Kindergarten? Well, I must of missed that lesson! I was probably out that day with lice or pink eye. Maybe my lice had pink eye?



More dirt:


Ohgodohgodohgod bunches of dirt particles! Get them off my floor! I think some of it’s moving!


So after I calmed myself down by eating chocolate ice cream and dancing to some vintage Tiffany (what? it works!), I planted my new babies.

First up is Kimmy Schmidt, a baby jade– who is named after the famous Mole Woman because, well, she’s in a hole. She’s also delightfully charming, and wonderfully naive. Basically, I’m plugging a television show right now. This is what my life has become. Anyway… if you haven’t watched The Unbreakable Kimmy Schimdt you’re probably very confused by all of this, and also a loser. So, watch it poindexter! Dammit.
IMG_6425 IMG_6403

The second baby I planted is Bianca, a ranunculus, who I named after my favorite drag queen because, well… why the hell not? Also, she cusses like a goddamn longshoreman. I’ll keep her away from the children. NOT TODAY SATAN!


Finally, we’ve got a twofer– this ranunculus and polka dot plant combo is called Jeremy Jr. Yes, that’ right, I’ve named a plant after myself. I nearly died giving birth to this damn plant, so I want him to be reminded of that every time someone calls out his name. That’s how healthy parenting is done. Take notes, folks.


Look, it’s Jeremy Jr. and his balls:


Another ball shot:

IMG_6451Stop staring you creeper!!!

And here’s a bonus shot of Ms. Nola. This is after I told her I named a plant after myself. She’s so judgey. I don’t know why I tell her anything.



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