Monthly bitch accessories


Yo, bitches! It’s time to talk bitch stuff. This month, my diva bitch gets ready for spring! And also, can you believe this bitch gave me a dirty look?

IMG_6506Look at her, plotting my death. She probably can’t wait to eat my nose. What a grump!

Okay, actually, she was pretty chill– obviously because I bribed her, but still! Thank you Ms. Nola!

Anyway, first up today we’re talking raincoats. There is nothing more unpleasant then when a wet dog tries to climb into your bed (except maybe when a sweaty man does– shower first you otter pig!). So, I’ve bought a couple of cute and functional coats to protect Ms. Nola from the Minnesota rain (which I understand comes with a side of tater-tot hot dish😂). The above ducky coat comes from RC Pet Products, and as you can see for yourself, it is EVERYTHING. How sweet does Nola look? I just want to squeeze her! And kiss her! And love her! And then ball her up and put her in my pocket!


The second coat I bought is a tad too big, so I’ll need to return it. Which makes me want to cry. Do you know how hard it is to return shit to Amazon????? Well, it’s not hard at all. But do you know how lazy I am????? 💩🍼🍼


She still looks pretty cute, but what I like most about this coat, from Henry and Clemmies, is that it has elastic drawstrings for maximum customization. Doggies come in all shapes and sizes, so it can be a challenge to find the right fitting coat (especially for our freaky corgi/chihuahua hybrid). This coat solves this (within reason– you have to buy the right size, doy) by using the built in drawstrings. Ms. Nola can’t wait for the medium to show up!

Now, if the doggy raincoat isn’t the right solution for your pup, how about the Puff-N-Fluff dog dryer?!


That dog is either stoned as fuck or really enjoying the Puff-N-Fluff! I suspect the former because there is no way that even my chill-as-heck dog would tolerate that thing. It does have decent reviews on Amazon though, so I’m not sure what to think. Has anyone subjected their poor pup to this thing? Did you have to blow weed in their faces to get them into it? Does the whole family have to get high to make this work? I’m curious.

In any event, I’m seriously considering whether I should try it. If it helps Ms. Nola dry off after a bath, it will be worth it. Seriously, I’m not sure how a 20 pound dog can hold so much water. It’s madness! I should send her to California to solve the water crisis!

Next up, of course, is the doggy Hawaiian shirt. Why wouldn’t I want my dog to look like an middle-aged-pot-bellied-white-guy? It’s a perfectly natural next step for Ms. Nola anyway, since she already farts and burps like a white dude (oh shut up, I can say that. I’ve been a white guy for several decades now!). All joking aside, this is pretty adorable. I’m buying one in every style. Get ready to luau, Ms. Nola! You lucky lady!


Finally this month, I’m featuring an item that has nothing to do with the spring at all. No, the raptor dog costume by Animal Planet, is not functional in anyway, but it is the most precious and pathetic thing I’ve ever seen. Look at this sad rat lookin’ mothertrucker in his dinosaur outfit! It’s breathtaking, isn’t it!? I just want to find the maker of this costumer and feed him to an actual raptor! Which is totally not a threat because raptors are extinct (…right?)! How can humans be so cruel to their pets? I’m calling the ASPCA, just as soon as I get Nola out of her monkey sweater!


Okay, that’s all for this month! Take care of your fur babies! You never know when they might eat your toes while you sleep!

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